In Thailand, massage is a near everyday part of life. Thai do not exercise but get regular massages. Well, that doesn’t sound half bad. The other night I went with some friends to go get a traditional Thai massage. No, this isn’t that kind of massage with a happy ending. Anyway, we go to this upscale place and pay 350 baht for a 2 hour massage. I have no idea what to expect from this. These ladies take us into a hallway with many mattresses divided by curtains. The light is dim and absolutely quiet. There are explicit signs (in the universal language of cartoon pictures) stating there is no talking or cellphones. On the beds are pajamas to wear. I put mine on, and the masseuse enters. Turns out I put the pants on the opposite way, draw string apparently went in the back. She takes my pants off and turns them around, as she does this she grabbed my butt. I instantly clenched my butt cheeks, and a faint “uh” sound slips from my lips. The masseuse chuckled and the mood for the next two hours was set. I lay down on the bed, and she start to rub my feet, my legs whatnot. These tiny women use their entire bodies to massage, elbows, feet, hands, knees, it’s quite intense. In fact, I would even classify half of it as painful. I am trying to relax, but it’s so hard when there is constant pain running through your body. It’s like that feel when you get stretch a sore muscle, except instead of stopping when it hurts too much, the little lady persists. I am probably more tense now than I was going into the massage. The masseuse can definitely tell I am holding my breathe, clenching muscles. She probably told me to relax in Thai but I didn’t understand what she said. This is turning into a workout for her. Anyway, it gets to the point where she is pulling my foot, extending my leg while simultaneously taking her foot and rubbing my inner thigh. I can’t help but breathe through my teeth with a frightened look in anticipation of a foot crushing my valuables. Then the masseuse gets up on top of me, and places her hands in a diamond shape around my valuables. I guess this is a pressure point in the groin that is beneficial. Well, I am trying my best to be polite and not laugh, but I can’t. If you know me, you can image what I’m like right now. I just start laughing hysterically, and this causes her to start laughing at me. It’s dead quite in here but me laughing because a masseuse is practically cupping my balls. You may wonder how I can stay unaroused with female hands so close to the reproductive organs. Let me tell you, when you have sharp pains running through your body, the last thing that is going to move is that organ. A lot of the massage is this little lady contorting my body in ways only 13 year old gymnasts should be able to move. At one point I had to stop her because there was some pinchage, if you know what I mean. The masseuse is now behind me, my head in her lap. My arms are behind my leg (very vulnerable position) and she is massaging my arms and shoulders. My armpits are extremely ticklish. I can’t help but pinch her hands in my armpits every time she has to massage their, I can’t help it. I don’t know if she was annoyed, but she thought this was funny too. Next she puts me on my stomach and climbs on top of me, using her knees to dig into my spine. I don’t know where the therapeutic aspect of this was because it hurt like a son of a gun. I will definately get another one. It is not as sexual as I made it sound. I make everything sexual though, so what did you expect from me? If anyone reading this ever decides to get a Thai massage, understand what’s install for you.