Songkran is the Thai New Year celebration, which lands on April 13-16. I really had no idea what this festival entailed. At school we had a little celebration, which included a morning ceremony, games, and an afternoon water fight. The morning ceremony had many of the student’s parents in attendance. Students lined up to pour water in the hands of the adults to pay their respects to the elderly (or this is what I interpreted). Well, Songkran in Bangkok is nothing like at my school.

I planned to go to Bangkok for Songkran because Chang Mai, where much of the country goes for this event, was covered in smoke and smog and it was suggested by the US government not to go (Well my Dutch friends went and had a blast, thanks US embassy). Anyway, as I was saying, Bangkok for Songkran. I failed to realize the magnitude of Songkran. Honestly, it’s just one big water fight. Literally, an entire nation buys water guns, buckets, anything that can possibly hold water and has the world’s largest water fight. Bangkok is a city of 12 million people, I’d say 11.94 million of those people were in the streets getting wet and the other sixty thousand were in the hospital from water related injuries. The thing is, it’s not just water they’re throwing, but a power substance that mixes with the water to create a paste. This paste is smeared all over people’s faces and clothing, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

My plans were to go down to Kow Sahn road (the Euro-backpacker strip) with some friends to join in the festivities. We took a tuk-tuk (think ric-shaw with a motor), which is exposed to the world. My three friends and I hopped in excited for the event. Little did we know, we’d get extremely wet, BEFORE arriving at Kow Sahn road. The streets of Bangkok were littered with entire Thai families, hoses, 10 gallon buckets, and even water bottles. When our tuktuk would approach one of these families, the tuktuk would sloooow down, in order for the families to have enough time to douse us with water. I’d try to have a conversation then, BAM, out of nowhere I’m hit with a bucket of water. That’s not the worst part; some people are just downright mean and put ice in their water. Warm water, cold water, warm water, cold water, it just wasn’t a healthy mix. After what seemed like an hour, we arrived at our final destination.

Kow Sahn road was unbelievable. Nearly indescribable, I will do my best to articulate the madness. For any Madisonians (is that what we are? Madisonites?) out there, imagine Halloween on State Street (except not this years, stupid Mayor Dave), Mifflin St block party, and the John Kerry rally from a year ago all on State street. Non-Madisonians, imagine a quarter of a million people down one street, four blocks long. Absolutely packed, wall to wall with people, if you have even a mild case of claustrophobia this is NOT for you. Here on the streets, where people are leaving their inhibitions behind is where that sludge comes in. Not only are people going crazy, not really moving, but they are smearing stranger’s faces with this sludge. Some people are kind, and wipe it gently on your cheeks. Others are complete dicks and take a handful and smear it all over your face. This crap is in your mouth and eyes, stinging the living bejesus out of your eyes. It tastes like crap too. Playing with water = fun. Playing with sludge = no fun. That in a nutshell is Songkran.

P.S. These last two posts have been made despite my settings mysteriously being changed to Thai. I can’t read these characters so it’s been somewhat of a guessing game to post. However, persisted through the inconvenience to provide these entries for my beloved readers.

I freaking HATE stray dogs. Anyone who was with me in Oaxaca, Mexico can attest to this. Despite nearly wiping my face with a towel that had a gecko on it, getting attacked by two birds that were trapped in my office, and being eaten alive by copious amounts of mosquitoes, it’s dogs that I am truly frightened by.

Stray dogs are everywhere. The street I live on has about roughly a dozen stray dogs lying around. That’s really all they do in the day because it’s so bleeping hot. At night they come alive and bark at anything that comes there way. I have never liked dogs, especially stray dogs. It took me months of boycotting my sister’s dog before finally giving in to the furry little creature. I have had several encounters with dogs here. They may not seem traumatic for some of my readers; to me they were down right frightening.

The walk from my friend’s house here to my place is approximately 15 minutes. Perhaps that scariest 15 minutes of my life. You have to walk through a place called “Ghost Town”. Which is where developers started to make homes, then ran out of money, and abandoned the half built homes. Some of these have been claimed by poor families as their own, but for the most part it looks like a deserted area… with many dogs. These dogs are smart too; they circle you, waiting for you to show signs of fear. Some will distract you in the front while others try to sneak up behind you. To combat this you need to bend over (ironically giving them a nice target) and pretend to pick up a stone or stick and throw the imaginary object at them. This works because so many Thai people have abused them this way; they are scared of this motion. I literally was walking tip toed on the street, in hopes of not waking up the lying dogs. Alas, they could hear a pin drop. It starts with one dog, and then you hear all the dogs on the street ahead of you wake up and bark. My fists are clenched as I enter the realm of angry, awoken, stray dogs. Perhaps it’s my imagination that is what really making me scared. I am terrified that if one dog attacks me (which is not out of the question, as you will learn) there will be a collective movement amongst the dogs and they all attack me. I can see myself lying on the ground, whimpering for help as I am being eaten alive by stray rabid dogs!

While I have never been attached on this walk (I’ve only made it twice) I have been attacked. Don’t think my fears are unjustified and are a product of a childhood phobia. One night I took a school bike to the corner store for a beverage. The driveway at school is slightly sloped, and these bikes do not have breaks. The decline down the driveway sped up the bike, and since I had no breaks I had to take a wide right hand turn. This turn went right through a pack of sleeping dogs! They certainly did not like this. They woke up and started to bark and chase me. I peddled faster, but something was wrong with the bike! A piece had dislodged and was stuck in the chain. I could not peddle anymore! The dogs were gaining ground. HOLY SHIT! My nightmare is becoming a reality! I jump off the bike and abandon it, and start running like a child after the ice cream truck. I can’t believe this is happening; I head towards the school to jump over the fence to safety. I realize now, that no dogs are after me. I look back and see the two little neighbor kids smiling at me and the dogs walking the other way. These two little kids (who bow in respect to me every time they see me) had just saved me from this vicious pack of wild beasts. Winded, I go back and try to thank them in my broken Thai. I am now bowing to them, so relieved that I am in one piece. I no longer ride a bike to the shop. I wish I had my brass knuckles, I bet those dogs would think twice about attacking me.

I would just like to set the record straight (this word was used intentionally). My last post was an April fools joke. I assume my reading audience was smart enough to recognize this, but I did forget to factor in font and size into my joke. Line 10 word 13, line 15, word 10, and line 22, word 4 was supposed to read: April fools sucker. Maybe I am the real sucker.

Interesting side story in this whole debacle, I placed Google Ads on my blog to hopefully generate some extra revenue. They said that the content of my blog would determine the advertisement placed in my blog. Every time I logged on I saw Hurricane Relief. This is not what my parents saw. James and Sandra Bouman saw their son advertising “Take a quiz to see if you are gay.” (notice there is not Google Ads anymore) The quiz started off with “Do you long for the company of men when your girlfriend is talking to you? Maybe you’re gay.” (ok that question was made up because every man yearns for their male buddies when your girlfriend starts to converse with you about this week’s US Weekly) ((Ok that was stereotypical and demeaning, I apologize. I haven’t had a girlfriend in a long time so I guess I can’t comment about that tear tear)). I digress, I can’t be certain whether or not this actually appeared on my parent’s screen, but they both attest to this. Either this is correct or my parents were playing an April fools joke on my April fools joke, a way for them to remind me that they are smarter than me. Or I am giving my parents waay too much credit and truly have surpassed them in terms of sheer intelligence?

Quick note: A friend of mine told me that she was “mildly entertained” by my blog, but she really likes my parent’s comments more than my actual posts. Upstaged again.

New post after my trip to the beaches of Rayong.

I made an awful decision last night. I went out for some fun in Bangkok with my friends. We started out with some sangsom (rum) and then went to whiskey and finished the night with tequilla. There was a group of four Thai girls across the room in another booth. After enough liquid confidence we invited them over to our table to share a bottle of Johnnie Walker blue label. We were having a great time, laughing and teaching each other to say little bits of English/Thai. These girls were absolutely gorgeous. The girl that was matched up with me I found out was in PR. I took it upon myself to starting talking about this event I have been planning for the school on April 29. She was more than willing to help me and I will be giving her a call next week. It has now become bar time and none of us want to go home. My PR girl proposes that we find another bar with a much later bar time (I knew these bars existed, I just didn’t know where they were). Well, the guys and I, we are not fools, and we know what this means. Eagerly we all pile into a taxi and head off to the next bar. Here is where things get hazy. I remember taking a shot of tequila and telling the PR girl that she is beautiful in Thai (this is one of the few phrases I’ve learned, I felt that this was more essential than “I need to call my Embassy” or “I didn’t do it”. Actually, maybe I should know these). The next thing I know I’m waking up in someone else’s bed pulling a red sucker out of my hair (hurt like hell). Now I’m thinking what the hell did I do last night?!?!? Still groggy, I see there is someone else in the bed. I silently freak out and get out from the sheets and try to find my clothes. Then I see these huuuuge pair of female shoes (I’m talking men size 11-12). Now I’m thinking, what the hell did I go home with? I’m gently walking to find all my stuff when the girl in the bed awakes and gets up. Turns out she was still naked, and when she turned around, to my absolute horror, the she was in fact a HE!!!!! A great big giant he!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bolted out of the door faster than a speeding bullet. I only had my left shoe on but I easily was faster than any Olympian for those seven blocks. Tears are running down my face, I can’t remember what happened but I don’t want to know anymore. I hate drinking. Damn you beer goggles!!!!!

Before you go telling everyone from high school, college, to your local newspaper about Jesse and the ladyboy, please read line 10 word 13, line 15, word 10, and line 22, word 4.