Who knows if I’ll actually send these samples to someone of any importance. An ad asked for an Onion style writing sample. Here is my first attempt at fake news.
Unemployed man convinced he’s employed
March 29, 2008
San Francisco, CA
A 31 year old Californian, Jared Herman, has been unemployed for eight months now. Upset his career was going nowhere at Logic Cube, one day Mr. Herman abruptly pushed all the walls of his cubicle down and yelled, “Fuck logic, fuck cubicles, and FUCK LOGIC CUBE!”
Since his departure at Logic Cube, Mr. Herman has yet to obtain a new job. Yet, Mr. Herman is not deterred because he is currently self-employed.
“Finding a new job IS a full time job man, you know what I mean?”
“I get up every morning and get ready for work just like every other working American. Only difference is, instead of driving to a job I’m looking for a job.”
When asked what a typical day consisted of, Mr. Herman proceeded to pull out a crumpled sheet of paper from his back pocket. It read:
Itinerary for Jared Herman, CEO, Herman Enterprises
9:00am – Wake up, eat breakfast
9:45am – Shower
10:30 am – Start my work day (the joy of self-employment)
10:31 am – read the classifieds
10:42 am – look at Craigslist
10:48 am- take a mid morning nap to recharge the old battery
1:00 pm – catch a late lunch at Taco Bell
2:30pm – check IntaCube website for any openings
2:32 pm – Workout
2:49 pm – Shower
3:25 pm – snack to refuel
3:50 pm – download motivational music
4:17 pm – read “I’m a millionaire and you can too!”
4:38 pm – Check email/voicemail for any potential employers
4:39 pm – relax and wait to punch out
5:00 pm – Punch out
“You see, my whole day is quite productive; I’m your typical 9-5er. When 5pm rolls along, I need a frosty beer ‘cuz I’m beat from all that work. My mom keeps nagging me, telling me I need to find work. I’m like Mom, ‘I AM WORKING!’ Look at that daily itinerary! It’s freaking packed! I don’t have any free time! I guess I could cut out my workout, but I need that “me” time. It’s what keeps me sane. She just doesn’t get it. Neither do my friends. They tell me I need to get off my ass to find a job, go to companies on foot and shit. Yea guys, what is this? 1969? That’s why we have cell phones and computers, so I don’t have to. Honestly, I can’t believe these guys have jobs. They’re not progressive thinkers, too set in their 20th century ways.”
Mr. Herman hopes that this article will help his business of finding work. Business has been slow the past eight months and he hasn’t been able to figure out why. Mr. Herman reports that if his full time job doesn’t produce a job within the next few months he’s going to start a part time job looking for part time work.
March 29, 2008
AP- Flint, MI
Robert Sund of Flint, Michigan held a garage sale in his studio apartment last Saturday. He needed $650 to pay his rent after being laid off weeks prior. At the end of the day, Mr. Sund sold $673.25 worth of possessions. The only thing Mr. Sund did not sell was the shirt on his back, which he was offered $1.75 for. After looking at his empty apartment and the cash in his hand, Mr. Sund decided not to pay rent, take the money, and move in with his parents. When asked what he planned to do with the money from the garage sale, Mr. Sund exclaimed, “First round ‘son on me boys!”
