It’s 4:00 am right now and I can’t sleep. Not even remotely tired. My best guess is because I’m still baffled by the job interview I went on today, er yesterday now. I’m really excited about the opportunity with this online marketing company, but I can’t gauge how well it went. I can only surmise that I fell flat on my face.
Why do I think I fell flat on my face if I just said that I can’t gauge how it went? Because I had nothing to do today but reflect. Sixteen hours of reflecting can really mess with your psyche. The interview lasted approximately 10 minutes. I’ve worked a booger longer than that. However, I’ve gone on 10 minute interviews where I was hired on the spot before. They seemed to have not even taken a good look at my entire resume, just the part that said ‘viral marketing’. The entire interview entailed me speaking about my viral experience and them giving me the bullet points to the job. Boom. Done like a cheeseburger.
What is really keeping me up is the fact that I didn’t self promote at all. I left my big brass balls at home or in the car and came to the interview with my 9 year old sack. I feel like there were a lot of yes sirs and no sirs in the interview. If they wanted to hear that pedantic drivel, they could hop on down to the local Home Depot and pick up some day labors.
“Do you want to build me a porch?”
“Yes Sir.”
“Do I have to pay you minimum wage?”
“No sir.”
I’m not saying that I should have gone in there, mouth blazing, falsely proclaiming that I started the Obama Girl campaign, but I could have shown more life. At one point one of the interviewers asked if I had any problems with racy topics or ideas. I simply answered, “No.” Then meagerly followed that up with something like, “I push the limits” or something equally as lame. Um, HELLO! If anyone knows me, Jesse Bouman, you know that I don’t push limits when it comes to story telling, or topics of conversation, I go over the edge. I join the bandwagon of story telling and then at the very end I take over the wheel and shift into high gear, leaving my friends in a confused, grossed out, and disturbed state. Yet, in this interview I can only muster a, two letter answer. Sickening, I deserve to be unemployed and fighting other bums for bottles to recycle.
Maybe these two guys are complete geniuses and could see my ‘skillz’ underneath my tender and polite suburban demeanor. Hopefully this is the case, but these hours of self reflection have allowed me to convince myself they looked at each other like there was a turd on the floor after I left the office. I feel sorry for the next HR lady who will feel the wrath of this recent interview debacle. I will likely make outlandish and unsubstantiated claims of my marketing genius, stretch the truth of my resume so much so it will look like the stomach of mother who just bore 12 children. I may even pound my chest, yell, and use the adjective ‘awesome’ to describe myself. She will probably not call me back for another interview. Not because of my idiotic self promotion, but rather out of sheer terror that I might make good on my claim that I could turn her into an internet superstar with the help of a digital camera, floss, and a jelly doughnut. Yea, it’s 4am and my ideas are representing this time of night. Time to pack it in Bouman. Good night everyone and send any job leads my way.
*Editors Note: Wpromote hired Jesse Bouman a mere 14 hours after this blog was originally posted.
