My Moment of Self-Contemplation


I have been in a funk for a couple of weeks. I could point to specific events in my life and blame it on that, but I think my feelings stem from something more than a few visceral events in my life. So I’ve gone into a deep state of self contemplation, trying to figure out what is stressing me out and what makes me happy. So for better or for worse, I’m sharing  my stress points as well as things I enjoy  in my life. Maybe it will help you but at the very least I hope I can achieve some clarity and be able to move forward.

The Vacuum Cleaner List (Shit that Sucks)

My Career:

Ok, my career doesn’t suck per se, but I am fucking obsessed with it. And that is a bit draining. I’m always asking myself, “Where I am now? Where am I going? Am I positioning myself for the future goals I have for myself?” These are all questions that I worry about on a daily basis. I cut people out of my life if I think they’re inhibiting my dreams. But the reality is, I’m probably too intense about this and I need to relax. As long as I keep my head down and work hard, everything else will take care of itself. Sometimes I wish I was less career focused, but I don’t know if that will ever happen.

Romantic Relationships:

I’ve only started to stress out about this recently, probably because I’m nearing 30. I haven’t had a girlfriend in five years, mainly because I knew I wasn’t emotionally ready for a girlfriend (I still probably am not). However, my friends are getting engaged and married. I feel a little bit of pressure to find a girlfriend. But dating is hard. It’s tiring and sometimes utterly frustrating. The girls that I “click” with and would be open to a relationship with always put me in the “friend zone” (ugh, gag me). And the girls that I’m not interested in – I usually know after five minutes – make me want to die by way of a million paper cuts as we struggle through pedantic conversation (I am seriously considering enacting Barney Stinson’s Lemon Law). I know that’s just how dating is. Most people are frustrated about dating. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck any less.

Money :

Oh money. It’s the bain of our existence. Running a services company in its early stages means cash flow is always up and down. It’s so tiring having to worry about money. I think some people think I’m really vain when I talk about becoming a millionaire (BTW: I do that as a self-fulfilling prophecy) but really I’m not interested in living the life of the rich and famous. No, I want money so I can enjoy things like having the time to coach my kid’s baseball team, put my niece through college, and travel the world. Even if I never become a gajillionaire, I just want to get to a place where I’m not constantly worried about money.

My Health:

If you read this blog with any kind of regularity, you know that I’m working on regaining my health (Good news, it’s SLOWLY working). But I still think about my long term health more than I ever have. I’m paranoid that I’m going to die of a heart attack at 45. Totally irrational, but true. I am making changes so I can stop worrying about that and can start to worry about what it will be like to live to 103.

The Barney Stinson List (Things That Are Awesome)

Winning:

No, this isn’t a lame Charlie Sheen reference. I’m a competitive person. I always have been, there are dozens of trophies in my parents’ basement to prove this. But there was a period where I tried to surpress my competitive nature, because it’s really unbecoming as you grow up to be “that over-competitive guy.” But damnit, winning feels great. I play kickball and dodgeball recreationally. They’re great leagues with great people. But I’ve had the most fun when I’m on the teams that win. I’m less concerned about the beer afterwards. That’s fun, but not as fun as winning. So I’m embracing this and saying fuck it. I’m just going to go out there to win at everything.

Writing:

Writing is very cathartic to me. That’s why I write this blog. I hope you get some value from what I write, but if you haven’t noticed, I don’t have a real theme. I haven’t turned this into a blog with one definitive direction so I can get more readers and generate revenue. I write about what I want to write about, when I want to write. Sometimes you’ll get two new posts in a week. Most of the time it will be once every two weeks. As an online marketer, I know that’s not the way to grow a blog and build an audience. But this is my personal blog. I get what I want out of it. The rest is gravy.

Being Alone :

I’m a bit of a recluse. I like being alone. I’m not afraid to say it. That doesn’t mean I hate everyone and don’t like being social. But I am very comfortable sitting alone for extended periods of time, occupying my mind. I do have to be careful to balance social activities with this behavior, otherwise I’ll turn into a hermit. But I have definitely been at a social function and all I wanted to do was go home and do something quieter.

Close Friendships:

I value my friends now more than I ever have. No longer do I care to be friends with everyone. Yes, I’ll be friendly with everyone, but actually being friends is something totally different. It really takes a lot for me to consider someone a real friend. I have five buddies from high school and seven girls scattered across the country that I know I can call at any moment if I need something. My wild, black out, party days are coming to an end. I’d much rather go to a bar with a group of four people and have a really quiet night, drinking good liquor, and discussing anything that makes us think or laugh. Even better are the nights where you sit with a friend, in silence, watching TV, and being completely content. Good friends are really rare, so don’t take them for granted. Call them up. Shoot them a text. Set up drinks. Just make sure you have good friends in your life.

This is definitely one of my more personal posts, I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable. If anything, I hope my list gets you thinking about yourself. Take a moment and go through this exercise for yourself. What sucks in your life? How can you fix that? What’s good in your life? How can you incorporate more of that into your life? Life is too short to be unhappy and miserable. I’d love to hear the simple things in life that make you happy. Or if you need someone to talk to about the shitty things in your life, feel free to shoot me an email (See right sidebar).